Smooth operator

Do you know that person who is so socially smooth that you are sure they have never said or done anything awkward? 

I hate them.

That is a little strong, I know, but how about throwing the girl a bone?  I have had some moments in my life that are so lame they make me laugh every time I think about them.

The Neighbor Incident:  I was talking to a friend in the street,  yucking it up (cuz that’s “what I do”), when a new neighbor approached us and introduced himself. Things were going well, we were having a normal exchange.  And then it turned on me. 

As he was leaving, he said something like "see you later". 

So I yell out (so he can clearly hear me), "Nice to meet me". 

Why? My friend and I were stunned. What had I done? “Nice to meet ME?”
The guy turns to look at me.  What can he say?  There is nothing to say.  Eleven (11) years later, the neighbor still lives there. I think he might avoid me, but I am unsure. What I know for sure is that was the first and last conversation we ever had.

Clearly, someone has to move.

The Hot Dad Incident:  I am in my house, looking mighty fine (NOT), and taking care of my lunatic puppy.  She just had spay surgery and I had made this funky dog suit  (aka “dogatard”) for her so she couldn't get to the stitches and pull them out. She was secured behind a gate, but still very visible. The doorbell rang; I was expecting a parent to come and pick up a child. Low and behold when I opened the door, I was surprised to find a fairly, (ok very) attractive dad.  I reflexively realize I have clown hair and my new friend can see my dogatard- wearing-puppy.

No, I am not weird, really.

Again, the interaction started out normal – good looking dad vs crazy clown hair Home Brau.  No big deal.  I can roll with this.  I am married.  It’s all good.  And then he noticed the dog. I lost all sense. I started to explain, then blushed, then I'm not sure what happened. But I started talking. Words came tumbling out in a very irregular cadence.

"I made that for my dog. She just got,...had…surgery. You know....so she won't have puppies.....because ..that is....what...I do...".

What the hell? "That is what I do?" I make dogatards?  I have surgery so I won’t have puppies?  What?

There was no way to save myself. He just stood there and stared at me and I stared at him. Please, I would go to hell right then.  Into the fires.  Anywhere else would have been better. But I was trapped by the kid that wouldn’t come down the stairs.  Tick..tick..tick..  Face is blazing red like a fireball.  It is unknown how much time passed – something near to eternity.  Finally, the kid comes downstairs.  Out. Out. Out you go.  I smile at them.

Bye bye now crazy lady!

Humiliated, I shut the door behind them. 

Thank you God for helping me to stay married, because if I were single, I would not have a chance in hell.

Grocery Store Fumble:  I am in Hawaii. What could go wrong?  It is sunny and I’m on vacation.  Hakuna Matata (sounds Hawaiian?).

I go to the store to buy stuff – like you do when you need some stuff.  And you have to buy it.  So, I am at the refrigerated milk section.  As I get my milk and I turn to let the door shut, someone bumps right into me.  I look up to see a very buff and tan guy.  Good Morning Doctor! 

Of course, he says, “Oh excuse me.” 

And I reply, “Oh, Siri”. 

Siri?  Seriously?  I guess that is my game. My lame game.  I cannot think of anything to cover my inane outburst, so I sort of mumble something (who the hell knows what), and scurry off to find my daughter.  As I run away, I think to my crazy self, “maybe he thinks I am from another land”.  Right, what land says, “Siri” instead of “Sorry”?  Crazyland, that is what they call that other land.

I am not saying these incidents are common, nor will I say they are uncommon in my life.  What I do know is that they can happen at anytime anywhere.  All three of these occurred in the presence of men.  Curious.  I am not dating, nor looking to date.  I am married and plan to stay that way.  So, if you see me on the street, and you are a man looking for a good laugh, stop and say, “hello”.  Watch and see what you get.  Chances are, I won’t merely say “hello” back. I’m a smooth operator and that is what…I …do.  

Two thumbs up,  Susan Boyle!
(Another example of a smoothly awkward woman)