Initially, I thought housewife was “Haus Brau” in
German. But, that was wrong. And so is Haus Brats (a spicy house hot
dog). I almost stuck with Haus Brats
because sometimes I feel like a house hot dog.
But, most days, I am your Haus Frau Extraordinaire.
Here are some of the high level decisions I have to make
during my long and full days. Did I
already say long? Yes. Yes, I did.
1. Is
it OK to wear your robe until 1:30 pm? I
play around with that quite often -- meaning, I wear it until 1:30 often. A lot of good can happen in your robe. For instance, I am much faster bringing in the empty
garbage cans when I have my robe on.
It’s a “Quick look left. Look right. Scramble to the street. Snatch the garbage can with one hand, clutch
robe shut with the other. One more
frantic look left, look right. And then a sprint back to the house with the
garbage can bumping behind me” kind of maneuver. See, the robe saves me time. It may not be at the speed of light, but it
beats the usual morning shamble. But, on
the flip side, it could traumatize a neighbor if the wind shifts, and my hold
on the robe slips….
2.
To
volunteer or not? Giving back and all
that. The only position currently open
at the high school is a math tutor.
Yeah. There’s a reason for that.
If I could do math, would I BE A HAUS FRAU? I am going to give it a go, but my husband
says to give it up. It’s stressful. What to wear, how cool to be/not be, to be a
“mother” or a “Hitler mentor”. Not to
mention, the small problem of having knowledge of how to do the math. All these things are very difficult to
process when you are hopped up on a triple espresso and the teenager beside you
is smacking her gum and frantically tapping her leg under the desk. (Well, that could have been me as well, hard
to know) Also, I think I might have had
an out of body experience involving flying above the classroom on a unicorn.
…Tutoring sounded so good when I was home in my robe.
3. Paper
or Plastic?
4. Dodge
the Bug Exterminator Guy or talk to him?
He is creepy, but nice. I think
that is how all creepy people are – nice.
He always knocks. Why? I know why
he’s there; he knows why he’s there. I
have this moment every time where I think, “maybe there is some big bad bug
situation I need to know about”. There
isn’t. EVER. This interaction interferes
with my robe wearing. Though, it is
funny that he doesn’t seem put off by the robe.
Now, that is creepy. I think he
wants to come in, take a load off, have tea, and talk bugs with me. I don’t sank so, bug man.
5. Does
my hair look OK? I know, I haven’t
showered. (Not yet. But I will. Later). It is poofy AND flat all at the same
time. Go figure. I think its OK because I have seen a similar
look on the Real Housewives. Oh yes, it
is there. On days when I ask myself this question, I prefer to think of myself
as one of them.
Flippin tables, throwin
drinks, calling women skanks while wearing cocktail dresses and hooker heels –
THAT has Haus Frau written all over it.
And off I go to the grocery store.
BAM!
6. Should
I eat Bon Bons? Are they really that bad?
I think it’s all good. THEY are
all good. It’s a victimless crime
really. Right? How’s this baby gonna get back of it’s xnay on the
bon-nay?* I think the real problem is
Bitches be Hatin on the Haus Frau. That
is just one Haus Frau’s opinion.
*No Latins were hurt in the use of
the very exotic pig Latin.
Sometimes
I imagine my husband absentmindedly and unknowingly singing that song by The
Talking Heads. “This is not my beautiful
house. This is not my beautiful wife” as
he drives into the garage. But, then I
hug him with my furry robe arms. Welcome
home, dear. Bon Bon?
