Confessions of one who swims with the sharks

Hey, I'm back.  Again.
I'd like to say I was away on a fab vaca, but I was not.  I was waiting for the next idea, a new muse.
Did Einstein have days like this?  Where he was on a precipice - crouched, waiting for the next good -- and I mean really good-- idea to come along.
Oh Einstein, you crazy haired dude.
I haven't been doing nothing all this time though. I did create a new kind of jelly -- take that Einstein.  I will not divulge the secret ingredient as it would explode all over the internet and then where would I be?  Without royalties, that's where.  OK maybe not.  But it is good.
I took some over to my spice loving neighbor.  He likes hot spice.  He is the kind that would also like Hot Spice of the Pussycat Dolls -- but today we are talking about cooking spices.
He was painting but did stop to taste my new creation.  He did like it.  But, you know, I think I will have him try it again today.  Maybe he was high from the fumes, hard to say.  But he did keep asking if I could see the spiders and he kept swatting at the air...maybe today will be a better day.
Neighbors.  Always high when you need them.  Jeesh.
(Ok he wasn't really hallucinating, but it is fun to think about that, huh?!)

So, here is a little something I wrote in the days gone by.  I was holding it, crouched on the precipice for some time.  It could be a little wrinkled and sweaty, so I apologize.

Confession time -- sorry it doesn't include sex or money.  I'm keeping it on the level.

Confession #3Trillion 200 million 537 & 538 (Obviously, there have been other "things" I've had to get off my chest.  Later, later.):

#537: I am a big fan of water wings.  If only they were socially acceptable for adults.  I don’t know why they shouldn’t be.  Sometimes we all need a life preserver. 

#538:  I don’t swim. (Well, mostly because of #537 -- I'm not stupid.)

I mean, I can’t swim.  Well, technically, I CAN swim, but it is a little frantic. 

Obviously, there is a story -- there always is.  Grab a beer (I am a Coug after all -- all stories require a beer).
I never learned to swim until I reached college.  I enrolled in a swimming class on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  Just thinking about enrolling made me breathless, but I knew it must be done. I'm breathless right now.  

To back up a little -- all my life, I couldn’t learn.  There were a couple opportunities, some missed and some I took full advantage of, no matter how idiotic and poorly thought out they were.

Like in grade school. I went to a poor grade school where I think it might have been like a public service to teach the poor kids how to swim. 

It was not good.  I was freaked out and poor.  Nothing worse than a freaked out and poor girl who can’t swim.  Think:  skinny white girl thrashing in a poorly fitting swimsuit – technically it was my older sister’s suit, and her older sister’s suit before her.  Lucky for me I got swimmers ear (ironic cuz I don’t swim), and got out of the class.  Even my ears knew better than to get in the water when I couldn’t swim.  Even poor girls can figure that out. 

Duh.

The next “Opportunity” came when I was in high school.  I was at my friend’s house lying in the “sun” (I live in the NW – sun is always in quotes) by her pool.  I think it was the only outdoor pool in the NW at that time.  (They had moved up from Georgia and didn’t know any better yet.) 

So, I was lying there thinking in my teenage underdeveloped impulsive brain that I should really learn to swim.  I was missing out on all kinds of stuff by not knowing that one particular skill.  I was not one to miss out on anything.  I decided in that moment that it was time to learn. I would teach myself, damn that water and my made-up swimmers ear.

What to do….what to do…..

I watched my friend as she would casually come and go from the pool to the towel and back again so effortlessly and thought, “meh, what can happen?  If I sink to the bottom I will just walk along the bottom of the pool til I get to the other side”. 

WTH?  This is why I cannot let my daughter out of my sight.  What kind of logic is that?

The long and short of it is that I got up – thinking my 70lb, 4 foot 8 inch BFF could save my life if things went awry, and jumped off the diving board.  I distinctly remember thrashing about in my tiny polka dotted bikini, and I think I touched the bottom with a toe one time to give myself a push.  No walking on the bottom occurred as I had anticipated.  Mostly thrashing in a propelling way til I made it to the side.  My friend was watching me (not saving me as I had thought could happen in the case that plan A – the walking under water part —wasn’t as effective as originally believed) and laughing because she had no idea of my swimming impaired status.  I calmly pulled myself out of the pool and said, “what?” and laid back down.

Disappointedly I thought, “Damn.  I didn’t learn how to swim. And I have water in my nose.  I hate water. Maybe I should have told Jann I couldn’t swim – nah.  Man, it’s hot out here, I better put on some more baby oil.” 

Never mind that I ALMOST DROWN.  

Damn, I was stupid. And teenaged. Same thing,huh?

Time passed, and somehow I stayed alive in spite of my stupidity.

I grew older (wiser? Maybe not.) and enrolled in a swimming class my freshman year in college.  I think I might have PTSD because as I sit here I can still feel the fear and trepidation I felt every Tuesday and Thursday morning at 10am.  The class was at 10:30 and I would go to bfast before and sit with my friends in the dining hall and try not to freak out.  I did freak out.  Quietly every Tuesday and Thursday. 

It was a hard class for the instructor.  She was not a big fan of walking underwater.  I think she wanted to hold me under the water sometimes. But, too many witnesses, and once again, I persevered and stayed alive.

I am a survivor. Nbd.

After 3 months of terror, I mean teaching, I did learn to swim from Point A to Point B.

Treading water was right out.  I think it looked like there was a shark attack going on in the water when I was attempting this hard and daring feat.  I drank A LOT of pool water.  Pool water that other college students had been in. Ewwe.

So, that is my confession.  The weird thing is that I want a pool.  I have not given up my dream of learning how to swim better & tread water.  I still envision myself lying in the sun, going from pool to towel effortlessly and NOT walking on the bottom of the pool.

UPDATE:  The newest and greatest thing in pool building – 4 foot deep pools.  Hooray!  This summer I did my first complete summer sault in the pool. 

And I did walk on the bottom. On both my hands and feet-but not at the same time. With my head under water -- well, just when I was on my hands.  It really wasn't as complicated and daring as it sounds. I'm just your run of the mill Circus performer.  That's how I roll now.

Watch me, Mom.  Watch me. Watch....watch.

Ha Zaah, swim teacher.  Take that!