1st World Problems of a Haus Frau

Initially, I thought housewife was “Haus Brau” in German.  But, that was wrong.  And so is Haus Brats (a spicy house hot dog).  I almost stuck with Haus Brats because sometimes I feel like a house hot dog.

But, most days, I am your Haus Frau Extraordinaire.

Here are some of the high level decisions I have to make during my long and full days.  Did I already say long?  Yes. Yes, I did.

1.      Is it OK to wear your robe until 1:30 pm?  I play around with that quite often -- meaning, I wear it until 1:30 often.  A lot of good can happen in your robe.  For instance, I am much faster bringing in the empty garbage cans when I have my robe on.  It’s a “Quick look left. Look right. Scramble to the street.  Snatch the garbage can with one hand, clutch robe shut with the other.  One more frantic look left, look right. And then a sprint back to the house with the garbage can bumping behind me” kind of maneuver.  See, the robe saves me time.  It may not be at the speed of light, but it beats the usual morning shamble.  But, on the flip side, it could traumatize a neighbor if the wind shifts, and my hold on the robe slips….

2.      To volunteer or not?  Giving back and all that.  The only position currently open at the high school is a math tutor.

      Yeah. There’s a reason for that.  If I could do math, would I BE A HAUS FRAU?  I am going to give it a go, but my husband says to give it up.  It’s stressful.  What to wear, how cool to be/not be, to be a “mother” or a “Hitler mentor”.  Not to mention, the small problem of having knowledge of how to do the math.  All these things are very difficult to process when you are hopped up on a triple espresso and the teenager beside you is smacking her gum and frantically tapping her leg under the desk.  (Well, that could have been me as well, hard to know)  Also, I think I might have had an out of body experience involving flying above the classroom on a unicorn.

…Tutoring sounded so good when I was home in my robe.

      
      3.      Paper or Plastic?

4.      Dodge the Bug Exterminator Guy or talk to him?  He is creepy, but nice.  I think that is how all creepy people are – nice.  He always knocks.  Why? I know why he’s there; he knows why he’s there.  I have this moment every time where I think, “maybe there is some big bad bug situation I need to know about”.  There isn’t. EVER.  This interaction interferes with my robe wearing.  Though, it is funny that he doesn’t seem put off by the robe.  Now, that is creepy.  I think he wants to come in, take a load off, have tea, and talk bugs with me.  I don’t sank so, bug man.

5.      Does my hair look OK?  I know, I haven’t showered. (Not yet. But I will. Later). It is poofy AND flat all at the same time.  Go figure.  I think its OK because I have seen a similar look on the Real Housewives.  Oh yes, it is there. On days when I ask myself this question, I prefer to think of myself as one of them.

       Flippin tables, throwin drinks, calling women skanks while wearing cocktail dresses and hooker heels – THAT has Haus Frau written all over it.  And off I go to the grocery store.
       BAM!

6.      Should I eat Bon Bons? Are they really that bad?  I think it’s all good.  THEY are all good.  It’s a victimless crime really. Right? How’s this baby gonna get back of it’s xnay on the bon-nay?*  I think the real problem is Bitches be Hatin on the Haus Frau.  That is just one Haus Frau’s opinion.

*No Latins were hurt in the use of the very exotic pig Latin.

Sometimes I imagine my husband absentmindedly and unknowingly singing that song by The Talking Heads.  “This is not my beautiful house.  This is not my beautiful wife” as he drives into the garage.  But, then I hug him with my furry robe arms.  Welcome home, dear.  Bon Bon?