A Cougar from Another Mother

A couple nights ago when I was taking my dog out for her last potty break of the night, I heard an owl hoot. Very cool, right? I know. We also have raccoons, deer, bear, coyotes but the latest addition is a cougar. (Not the kind that uses lipstick and lots of hairspray. This cougar doesn't  take off her animal print when she drags her "prey" to her den).  I have seen all of the former and thank you God, not the latter. Never a real live jogger-eating-cougar.

WTH?

How's a girl supposed to go running? That's exactly what I was thinking too! That is why I haven't been running in 3 weeks. That, and I don't want to.

 But let's focus on the important thing. The cougar.

The dirty little devil

You could die if you are running and a cougar attacks. Seriously. Die.

While at my birthday lunch, I asked my very physically fit friend if she was afraid of the cougar. She isn't. That is just another reason she is physically fit and I am not. That, and she does want to exercise.

She suggested I tie a piece of meat to me as I run. I'm not entirely sure why, because obviously I couldn't outrun a cougar and I would die. Seriously. Die. Maybe she is just jealous of my slovenly ways and she wants me gone. I don't really know - we were drinking champagne at the time, so there may be more to that story than I can remember. It's a little confusing.  Maybe we were talking about Lady Gaga.  Anyway, the meat shirt seemed right out.

When the cougar was sighted in a nearby neighborhood, my friend’s husband was going all Elmer Fudd.  Come out of your hole, you cowardwy cat.  (He didn't go hunting, but I can appreciate the sentiment.)  

When I told my husband about the cougar and that the reason I couldn't fit in my clothes was due to the cougar sighting, he just raised his eyebrows and said, "huh".  That's it. No big deal. Just a cougar in the back yard. He did ask questions like, "What's for dinner? Did you call that guy about the sprinkler?"  I guess possible cougar sightings take a back seat to all the lives he saved at work, his stomach and nicely watered grass.  The neighborhood cougar did not make the cut. 
He did suggest that I could run on the treadmill. 

Really? Like that would solve the problem.

He obviously has forgotten the cautionary tale of Jungle Book.  Mowgli was in great danger until he met Baloo. I need a Baloo. Or an Elmer Fudd.  But, these are all cartoon animals.  This cougar is “realz” (as my daughter would say). Maybe Mr. Spock/Husband of Mine is right.  I could run on the treadmill.  That is not illogical only painful because that would equal exercise – the animal I really want to avoid.

Tonight it is all quiet outside. No owls hooting or raccoons fighting. Just my dog, my meat shirt and me. And, oh yeah, a cougar who is out there somewhere that I am dying to meat.

Don't be distracted by the blue steel pose—looking like he is just gazing at the sky.
No, that is not what is happening.
He's using cougar reverse psychology.
Still NOT your friend-wants to eat eat eat you.