It's a Trap

I like to think I am very aware – at least occasionally.  But, I have come to realize there are situations that are tricky, maybe even deceptive.  Yet, I continue to put myself at risk.  I guess this makes me an adventurer.  Lame, but I haven’t ever had the chance to refer to myself as such.  So, read with trepidation and caution, people. I put myself in this kind of danger daily.  NBD.

Danger, Will Robinson, Danger.

Yard sale: The perfect setup for buying other newly medicated hoarders' crap and for kidnapping - Criminal Minds Style. It is hard to resist those cheaply made, poorly spelled signs. They whisper to me.

Heather, there is total crap here that you need. (Ignore the pleading and raw embarrassment being spewed forth by your teenagers. They can stay in the car.) Come come inside “fer the bergins". 

Somehow I am also able to ignore the 2-toothed man breathing in my ear- he's just looking at the china too. He's really not sniffing my hair and imagining me in the new "retreat" he's been building. I've got 3 whole dollars to blow and, look, there's some old used shoes…and the 2-toothed man shuffles over behind me.  I guess he likes them too. Funny…?

My lovely friend Carolyn: I love her but she is my personal trainer. So when I make my appointments with her I am excited to go see her. But once I step in the gym door she is merciless.  I try to distract her with jokes and poor muscle strength, but she will have none of that. Damn her, it will take me a couple days to put that weight back on. She is like a black widow spider.  “Ooooo, look at her pretty red markings….I’m just going to get a little closer…..”  Before I know it, I am on the ground doing 20.

Sunset at the Beach: I’m wrapped up in my blankie on the deck and the lights in the sky are fading. So so so beautiful The West Nile Virus diseased carrying mosquitoes think the same.  But they aren’t interested in the beautiful colors and the soft caressing breezes. They like me, similar to how my daughter’s boyfriend likes her – on her like a vampire.  That breeze is carrying the sharp essence of carbon dioxide in it-the Chanel perfume of mosquito pheromones. Their numbers have been amassing all spring in the old tires they’ve been repeatedly warning us about on the news.  (I shouldn’t have bought those at that garage sale, but they were such a GOOD deal!) Could be one of the last sunsets I see, so I better enjoy it before they bite me & the disease festers & then kills me. Damn those pretty colors and my disease centered paranoia.

The Swimsuit Department: No need to explain, but I will. You are drawn to it by the dreams of yesteryear (how you used to look) and all those tropical colors. You choose a beautiful little swimsuit, a size bigger than what you usually wear, (because these were sized by the French who don’t eat hohos and potato chips) and head for the dressing room. You are feeling OK though because you are not alone -- you have Hope and Magical Thinking with you.  You approach the opposite of Hope -- the dressing room – also known as the Room of Despair. The dressing/despair room should have a rear door that drops off onto a cliff. Hand your husband the bag of lovely smelling hand soap from Bath and Body Works, and close the door. Do not waste a second thinking that this year will be different.  Just open the "escape hatch" door and over you go. Much less pain for all involved. At least he will be clean and smell good when you are gone. 

“Luckily”, it doesn’t have a back door, or there would be a lot of sweet smelling widowed guys sitting in bars wondering if she’s going to be mad he left because the game started.  You were taking soooo long in there. 

And “Luckily”, once again, your hopes and magical dreams are dashed and your husband dutifully hands you the tankini with the moomoo cover over the door.  Hope and Despair have run away to the bar – THAT was obviously a one-sided relationship.

You are set for another year on the side of the pool (drink in hand) glaring at the skinny girls through your sunglasses.  If only Hope and Magical Thinking were stronger –say like….Delusion.  That is a girlfriend to take with you in the Room of Despair, she will always have your back (but, of course, never tell you about the fat on it).

I know that I should learn from these traps, but I live for the danger.  It is in my blood. 

That’s what the mosquito said.