I Have a Rusty Shiv In My Purse

Went out the other night for dinner and a play with friends – I know, I know, when I get out, it never ends well. 

But, I learned some things – “A Firstly” & “A Secondly”.  And maybe “A Thirdly”.

Firstly, I should not talk much after a glass of wine.

Secondly, I should not talk at all after 2 glasses of wine.

We were at the dinner portion with said friends -- one of which is a real writer.  He just finished his first book which makes me very happy for him.* 

*I was secretly taking pictures with my phone so that when he is famous I can ….have pictures of a …..famous person, I guess….OK, don’t know what I’ll do with them.  And I think I only got the tablecloth anyway.  And maybe his hands and plate. But, I’m sure they are money, baby.  Money.

And, bonus for me, he shared a writing secret.  It’s probably not a secret, but more like a strategy.  A strategy most would figure out on their own.  But, for me, it might as well have been the minutes from the Vatican Conclave Meeting Thingy.

The Thirdly:  I learned that I need to make an outline. FIRST.

EUREKA!

Seriously.  Just like the ones they force you to make in high school.   The same ones you vowed to never make again after you take that last English class. The ones you made AFTER the paper was done. (Take THAT, Mrs. Jones).

But, it appears that the thing that nearly killed you is the thing that will save you. Or at least make you a better writer.

Made so much sense.

But, I can never do it on account of the vow I made in high school. I’m like a nun – once the vow is made, that’s it. It's OVER. DONE.  Thank you Jesus and the Pope (new and retired) too.

However, I think I have come up for a use of such a tool:  Making an outline FOR PARTIES.  Now,  THAT could be handy.  It might also prove to be beneficial to me and others around me. 

When I arrive at a gathering, I could distribute it. 

“Here’s one for you and you and you.  These are the items I will be covering tonight, more or less.  And here, one more for you, Wallflower.

You will note that under D1 – titled “After Two Drinks”, there are many blank items.  We will refer to them as Rogue Items.  If you wish to avoid those topics (which are TBD – to be determined by the shifting wind and loose associations of a drunk lady), please wander off by C4, so as to avoid subjection to Rogue Item D1.  The shit could hit the fan by then. Well, that could happen at anytime really.

Now, let’s get started.

Drink, please?”

See, if everyone had an outline, you could avoid all sorts of uncomfortable and confusing situations.  Or cut to the chase.  Or leave the party early before you are arrested.

They would be handy for all the Ladies: shy ladies, mean ladies trying to turn into nice ladies; drunk ladies trying to pretend to be sober ladies; sober ladies wishing they were drunk; nice ladies wishing they were mean; and skank ladies -- well, just wishing.

An outline could be the ice breaker you need. Or a guide to keep things on track when you start to go off the rails.

But of course, if you had a title, like all good outlines do, you might make a friend or two. Or re-kindle a frenemy.  

Here are some possible Party Outline Titles one might wish they had seen early in the evening:

“Don’t You Be Lookin at My Man”

“Oh Ima be Lookin at Your Man”

“My Undies are Too Tight Tonight – I’ll just pull them out of my crack one last time while no ones looking…”

“I Have a Rusty Shiv in My Purse”

“I Had Beans for Dinner.  And I've got a lighter.”

“Bitch, Please..”

“That’s Right, I’m Rockin this Camel Toe”

“I’m Batshit Mofo Crazy – And You’re My Type”

“Later I’m Going to Chase your Guests Down the Middle of the Street”

“I Really Really Luff you, Mannn. Really”

“You Will Find Me on Your Fireplace Hearth in the Morning”

“I Don’t Like You So I’m Just Going to Take Something of Yours”

“You Should’ve Crossed the Street, Cuz Crazy is A-Comin”

 Now, I’m not saying that I’ve run into any of these people/situations, but let’s just say I am familiar with a few.

But, look, this could save you.  So, sharpen your pencil and lay out that paper and start writing.  Mrs. Jones would be proud of you like she never was of me.

Me, on the other hand, I’m going to go Commando.  Commando writing that is.  Free and easy, just letting it (my articles/blogs) get all the air and freedom they need.  It probably means they won’t get an “A”, but free association is my gig.

Mrs. Jones, I got a thang goin' on.

Peace Out, brown nosers & party goers!