What If?

My Disclaimer:  This little ditty is in no way meant to offend or alienate the Preppers in my life (nor anyone else for any other reason).  I respect your decision to prep.  And, I hope that in the case of one of the disasters you are preparing for occurs, you will consider opening the door if I knock.  When it all goes to hell in a hand basket, I want to you to know that I have mad basket weaving skills that I learned in 4^th grade.  If we have to start over, we will need at least one basket – to replace the one we used getting to hell. I’m your man. Open the door.

What If?

I watch a lot of trash television.  If someone mentions a trash television show I haven’t TiVo’d yet, I make a mental note of it. Like Rain man, I will list some: Swamp People, Real Housewives of Various Locations, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and Bunkers. My husband thinks I should be ashamed of myself, but I am not.  I like them; they are a great study of humanity that I would otherwise know nothing about.  They are most likely not realistic representations of people, but, the bottom line is, he is not the boss of me.

There are a couple shows I’ve watched about Preppers.  They are the apocalyptic worriers/warriors.  They believe that a variety of things could be coming down the pike and they are preparing for the worst.  Again, like Rain man:  Meteors crashing into the earth, Earth tilting a different way on its’ axis, Economic Collapse, Zombies, the-last-day-of- the-Mayan-Calendar (12/21/12) in which the world will end in a way completely unmentioned by the Mayans. I think that all of these things would start a whole downward spiral until we are on that path to hell with the hand basket (probably not as nice as the one I would produce later).  I don’t really know how you can prepare for all of these, so maybe as a Prepper, you pick the one that makes the most sense to you and start planning. 

My first real life encounter with a Prepper was many years ago as a college student.  Home for the summer, I decided to visit a childhood friend.  She had gotten married and was showing me around her new home.  It was sparsely decorated home, but clean and fresh and sunny just like her.  And then she showed me her attic.  And what do we have here?  I saw shelves and shelves of canned goods.  What the hell (or should I say, what the heaven?)? She was ready for a religious apocalypse.  I was reeling. I had never heard of such a thing.  Gee, look at the time. I had to run.  Away. Fast. Again, not that I don’t agree nor disagree with such a plan or way of life, I just had never seen the like.

And so, you see this is not a new thing.  I am old, and college (Go Cougs!) was a while ago. 

(I hope she rotated those cans, because some of them may have expired by now. Just sayin’)

Modern Preppers stock up on needed supplies, like food, gas masks, gold bars, guns, ammo, and some have underground bunkers built.  (I have learned that the underground bunkers are not always a good idea in flood prone areas, as you might suspect.  Those that have done that are the dullards of the prepping community.) But, I digress.  Once the disaster has passed, the canned goods spent, bean-o bottle empty, and re-runs of Gilligan’s Island have grown old, the Preppers will swing open their bunker door, and climb out to the new world.  (Unless of course, the gas mask was needed, and then, maybe coming out is not such a wise choice.)  What will they see? Will they be glad they survived?

I have some scientist acquaintances (people with science fluidity and crazy hair) that I rely on for such inquiries.  First I ascertain if they are any way connected to Obama or the government in a cover-up or conspiracy (Preppers can be a very suspicious animal).  Once they clear security, I slyly slide into our conversation various scientific scenarios just to see if these things could happen and what would be the outcome.  What if a Meteor crashes into the earth? What if the world’s economy collapsed?  What if the earth tilts the other way or starts spinning backward? They usually look at me like I’m the one who is crazy, but I just pretend it is their inability to read social cues and push on.  They commence with the mumbo jumbo science stuff, which I tune out.  (Cue the Muzac) Until the end, when I hear things like: unlikely, improbable, and not in our lifetime.  In a word, INCONCEIVABLE (ode to Princess Bride).  And if it did happen, you probably wouldn’t want to be the last man standing.  It would be hard for you.  No Starbucks or clean wine glasses.  And, we could be left with just Hoodsport Wine! Kill me now.

The planning and collecting of supplies is costly.  It is big business.  I have not budgeted that into our 2012 plan.  I looked in my pantry, and thought “meh, I guess I could eat this stuff”.  But, what if I am not at home?  See, there are so many problems and variations on this whole prepping thing that my semi-educated brain (that was for all you Husky and Duck fans) cannot grasp it.

So, in a salute to all my Prepper friends and acquaintances, I have chosen the Mayan calendar disaster to prepare for.  It is vague enough that I don’t think I can go wrong.

My family plans on having a party on Dec 21^st, 2012.  A New Years celebration of sorts, because I believe that is what the Mayans would have wanted.  We will eat all the foods we like.  I will bring biscuits and jam, and Ritz and cheese whiz.  I will drink white wine.  Yes, gasp away, you red wine drinkers.  It will be a BYOB so you won’t have to engage in my primal palate slurping.  You are all invited. Being the last day as we know it, we should stay up all night  -- or at least until midnight when it hits the fan.  Just in case there is a dawn that next morning in which all will begin anew, I am going to pack my toothbrush, Tylenol and a pair of clean undies.  And, of course, some pliable reeds perfect for basket weaving.